I remember back when I was 12 or 13 I would day dream about what my life would look like when I was in my 30's. At the time I was not loving middle school and the problems that arise when one's physique changes from a pole-like silhouette to one that resembles something closer to an hour-glass. I recall wishing that I could skip ahead. Skip high school and even my 20's, right to my 30's. Looking back I find it odd, that it was this point in my life that I wanted to fast forward to, but also how intuitive. Looking back, I don't spend much time remniscing about my teenage years, they were reasonably miserable. I don't spend much time remniscing about my early twenties either, even when you're having fun, bad decisions can taint years at a time. So, in many ways it oddly feels as though I was trasported from 13 to 33 in the blink of an eye.
Aside from the warp speed feeling of life, the thing that causes my head to spin is this: I'm responsible. I'm responsible for my marriage, the lives of my children, my job, my house, paying my bills, all of it! It's crazy! Who, in their right mind, put me in charge?!? I still feel like a kid, even though I'm "MOM" and "WIFE" and "EMPLOYEE" and an"ADULT"! When I look at pictures of my Mom when she was about my age, even a bit younger, I wonder if she felt equally unqualified to be in these shoes. They are quite large and I still feel like I'm playing dress up, clunking along with an oversized handbag and a dress that drags behind me, makeup a shade too bright and slightly askew. So, when exactly do I get to finally feel grown up? Like, I've earned some level of adulthood that I utterly lack at this moment. I guess I'll find out as the years press on, but I no longer desire to push the fast forward button, but rather the slooww button.
The process by which, life passes in momentary freeze frames and I have the opportunity to drink in the experience. To be able to identify, as it's happening, the moments that will warm my days and brighten my nights when I'm an old woman. Because that's where this trains headed, you know. This is a direct connection, no stops, no layovers, no fuel ups, I am headed straight to the time when I'm wrinkly (not too wrinkly, I moisturize and sunblock and you should too!) and have sleek, silvery hair, sitting at my dining room table with my husband, who has somehow become an old man, watching our herd of grandkids and great grandkids run about. Looking at our children as adults, still wondering... This is absolute insanity! Who, in their right mind, put us in charge!! My kids even got to become grown ups before me! No fair!
p.s. I acknowledge and cherish that I'm not in this adventure alone, but share this responsibility with my wonderful husband, Rob. Any references to my being responsible can be interpreted as "we". :)
