Ramblin' (wo)Man

Well, kids. I am officially 34. One of the lesser discussed and/or noted milestones in life. Really just any other birthday according to Hallmark. But, I've now circumnavigated the sun 34 times since my big debut (actually, I was only 6lbs 12oz. at birth, so I suppose it was a less than average debut, as it were). I suppose in consideration of this, my age is not as impressive as it feels. Looking back, I think I rode the Gravitron more times than that on Sober Grad Night in '93 (Jeremy, if you're reading this... you know what I'm talking about!). Which I still regret, since I've become very sensitive to turning around in circles since then. In all seriousness, those things should come with a warning, I can't turn around too quickly anymore without becoming a touch nauseous.

Ramblin' on... So, I'm 34. Big deal! Just yesterday I was driving to lunch with my co-worker, Yvonne, who is 31, and my bosses grandfather, Max, who is 99... yes 99 years old (he's been MARRIED for 80 years and still works 2 days a week), when Max said that he'd be happy to be our two ages combined again...65. Funny, I feel old at 34, but I'm really just a spring chicken from his perspective... perhaps just a chick. I have friends that are in their 20's around whom I feel like a sage, there are people driving that were born the year I graduated high school, I've been with the same man for nearly 15 years, I'm a mother of 4 and I've been employed by the same company for 12.5 years and it's not even my first job! But I'm basically still young. Right? Right?!

Youth... What is it? Well, I can say from experience that the 30's are weird, man! It's not old. It's not young. It just... is. But it all adds up to something wonderful! I feel like I'm in the stage of life that, if compared to baking, is the part that the whole house begins to smell of freshly baked cookies! The moment when you're senses begin to experience a hint of the the joy that your hard work has created! Knowing that what lies beyond this is better than what you could've imagined. During the midst of which, you just have to run and peek through the glass to see what is in store! Yep! That's where I am. Not that eating a warm, freshly baked cookie isn't wonderful! It absolutely is! But there's something special about puttering around the house, nearly forgetting that you have cookies in the oven, and suddenly you can smell them, the anticipation surges through your mouth and the house is filled with the kind of warmth only working in your kitchen can provide. I just love it!

However, cookies notwithstanding...

The best part about my birthday this year is that I know that I have family awaiting me just a couple of hours away! Family that coincidentally is in town this very weekend from far (Germany) and wide (Texas)! Such an event will cause other family members from around the state to trickle in for a visit, so I get to see pretty much everyone! You can't put a bow on it or return it for store credit, but it is the best inadvertent birthday present a young gal (wink) could ask for!

In closing, it occurs to me that birthdays come and go each year, marking yet another year that has passed. A reminder of our fleeting time here on this earth. Each birthday is yet another opportunity for God to ask each of us what we've done with our lives to this point, like some annual cosmic class reunion. Each candle recalling a chapter that has already been closed out. In the book of my life, how many chapters will I allow to be blank, or become pointless, grammatically-wrecked drivel? How many chapters will be engaging, challenging, heart-felt, encouraging, thrilling, adventurous, thoughtful, loving, miraculous, different, life-changing, life-affirming, colorful, flavorful, memorable and/or amazing? How many filled with new characters, and lots of them? How many filled with Jesus, and lots of Him!

I suppose, then, that Chapter 34 begins today...

How Do I Love Thee...

Let me count the ways...

In this case, "Thee" is plural. I have so many people that I love! However, not nearly as many as I should. Originally, I was going to post something about my children and how much I love them and list their traits that I hold so dear, which I will do one day still. But as I was typing out the words, "In this case, "Thee" is plural.", I realized how limited my "Thee" is. Jesus said that we should "Love our neighbors" and furthers His command by commanding us to "Love our enemies and pray for those that persecute us". Now, I have met 2 of my literal neighbors and wave in passing to an additional 1, who my husband knows, but I do not. I understand that when Jesus commanded us to love our neighbors, He did not limit this command to those that live immediately adjacent to us. Regardless, it occurs to me that I don't know any of my neighbors, adjacent or otherwise, let alone do anything that would convey love to them.

Granted, I have begun participating with Scarlet Revolution in the delivery of food to those in need and I do occasionally invite people to church, when I take the time to have a conversation with them. But I often find myself busy and insecure. Too busy certainly to take the time to meet new people. Too insecure to put myself out there to meet new people. Under the cover of my job title I easily call strangers, meet with unknown parties and become friendly with people whose faces I have never seen, but as just myself, I find that I am lacking.

I would give myself points for helping friends and family, but Jesus totally discounts that entirely because EVERYONE is kind to those that are kind to them. That does not test our mettle or stretch our comfort zones. He's always pushing us to lend to people that have no way to repay, help those that cannot help you in return, love those that cannot love you back, pray for those that only desire your destruction. Much like He does for us!

He gave what we could not repay, He helped us though we had nothing to offer in return, He loves us despite our innate inability to love as He loves without Him, and He prayed for us even though we were, for all intents and purposes, the "enemy". We could not help but be the enemy of His cause prior to accepting salvation, because there is a scarlet line drawn and there is no in between.

So, back to me and why I'm so messed up. How can I love others if I never give them the time of day. How can I pray for my enemies when I do little to determine who's who. How can I be like Christ if I forever embrace my frailties that keep me... well, keep me from others. I can't. So, where to begin.

One Year Ago

It's been a busy week. Between the stomach flu visiting our household this past weekend and a lawsuit that I've been gathering information for at work and just plain old regular life... my mind and body have been working overtime. But, yesterday (4/21/11), as I was digging through old emails for the lawsuit previously mentioned, I found an email dated on the same date but the previous year (4/21/10). It was from my Mom. In the reference line it said Re: WOW!. With a title like that, I just had to read it.

In summary, she was telling me about how on the previous Sunday at church she had been praying and that God had confirmed to her the baby I was then pregnant with was a girl. If, you've read my previous posts, Ms. Helena was born later on that year in October and she is beautiful! But at the time, we were still more than a month away from determining the gender via ultrasound. If you don't believe that God speaks to people, that's fine. I understand it sounds wierd, but He's spoken to my heart and to other people that I know as well, so it doesn't sound crazy to me.

The thing is... it was a couple of years before I became pregnant that I was praying in my church that God spoke to my heart that I would have a daughter, when I was ready to be a Mom to a daughter. My daughter may not seem a miracle to most, but after having 3 boys, she is my miracle and my living reminder of God's faithfulness!

On this Good Friday, I thought it appropriate to share God's goodness! That He loves you, that He is faithful and that He lives! Jesus did not die on the Cross and Rise again on the third day so that I might have a daughter one day, His sacrifice on the Cross was so that I could be reconciled with a God that desired to have a relationship with me... and with YOU! Salvation is the greatest miracle of them all! Through it, I have gained a relationship with a Father that desires only the best for my life and I will be eternally greatful! My daughter is merely a reminder of His goodness.

Happy Easter to all! and Happy 1st Easter to my little miracle!

How Did This Happen?

I remember back when I was 12 or 13 I would day dream about what my life would look like when I was in my 30's. At the time I was not loving middle school and the problems that arise when one's physique changes from a pole-like silhouette to one that resembles something closer to an hour-glass. I recall wishing that I could skip ahead. Skip high school and even my 20's, right to my 30's. Looking back I find it odd, that it was this point in my life that I wanted to fast forward to, but also how intuitive. Looking back, I don't spend much time remniscing about my teenage years, they were reasonably miserable. I don't spend much time remniscing about my early twenties either, even when you're having fun, bad decisions can taint years at a time. So, in many ways it oddly feels as though I was trasported from 13 to 33 in the blink of an eye.

Aside from the warp speed feeling of life, the thing that causes my head to spin is this: I'm responsible. I'm responsible for my marriage, the lives of my children, my job, my house, paying my bills, all of it! It's crazy! Who, in their right mind, put me in charge?!? I still feel like a kid, even though I'm "MOM" and "WIFE" and "EMPLOYEE" and an"ADULT"! When I look at pictures of my Mom when she was about my age, even a bit younger, I wonder if she felt equally unqualified to be in these shoes. They are quite large and I still feel like I'm playing dress up, clunking along with an oversized handbag and a dress that drags behind me, makeup a shade too bright and slightly askew. So, when exactly do I get to finally feel grown up? Like, I've earned some level of adulthood that I utterly lack at this moment. I guess I'll find out as the years press on, but I no longer desire to push the fast forward button, but rather the slooww button.

The process by which, life passes in momentary freeze frames and I have the opportunity to drink in the experience. To be able to identify, as it's happening, the moments that will warm my days and brighten my nights when I'm an old woman. Because that's where this trains headed, you know. This is a direct connection, no stops, no layovers, no fuel ups, I am headed straight to the time when I'm wrinkly (not too wrinkly, I moisturize and sunblock and you should too!) and have sleek, silvery hair, sitting at my dining room table with my husband, who has somehow become an old man, watching our herd of grandkids and great grandkids run about. Looking at our children as adults, still wondering... This is absolute insanity! Who, in their right mind, put us in charge!! My kids even got to become grown ups before me! No fair!

p.s. I acknowledge and cherish that I'm not in this adventure alone, but share this responsibility with my wonderful husband, Rob. Any references to my being responsible can be interpreted as "we". :)

"Whaaa....?!? It isn't me!" - Domenic feb.2011

This is my youngest boy Domenic. He's a character, if you couldn't tell. He does everything without limit... be it laughter, love, hurt feelings, crying, rambunctious behavior, anger, disappointment, having fun, being crazy and... as it turns out dancing. So last weekend, while I was folding laundry, I turned on a "radio station" on our xbox live where you type in the name of a band and they match your choice with music from other bands/musicians. So, I know my boys usually like the Gorillas and it being a sunny Saturday afternoon... it made sense.

I can't recall which song it was, but it had a friendly beat, the kind that might get one's toe tapping or head bobbing. The bigger boys were in their room and Ms. H was in her swing. Domenic was kind of chillin' with me when all of a sudden his hips start bumping back and forth to the beat. His shoulders remained perfectly still and his arms were kind of at his sides, bent at the elbow with his hands in front. I looked at him and smiled. I thought he would return the smile, but all I got back were surprised eyes with a partially hidden smirk where his smile should have been. He then shrugged and said "Whaaa?!? It isn't me!" Then his body burst into a very animated dance of its own making, or so he would have me believe, followed by an indescribably infectious laughter. The room was immediately filled with movement and sound by a single 5 year old.

My only thought? Man, I need to get this kid into some hip-hop dance lessons.

"People Change." - Liam jan.2011

Or so says my 7 year old son when I asked him why he wasn't playing with one of his friends from his old school at day care. You see, as a result of our purchasing a home this past year, my children had to change schools. They traded in their blue Falcon shirts for a slightly more imposing white Bulldog on their new red shirts.

Again, I bring to mind: "People change" he said with a matter of fact shrug as he walked past me toward the exit. He's 7 and he's already come to terms with one of those profound understandings that most people don't get until they are at least in their mid-twenties... or at least it was something that I didn't get until then. But it does beg the question.... How much can a little boy change between kindergarten and first grade and more importantly, which of the two boys did the changing. I cannot even begin to fathom what it was that polarized their relationship that just last year was conga-lining itself around the cafeteria at their then shared elementary school during the mother-son dance we attended. I suppose it doesn't really matter the why's and the how's, I just have to chuckle at the serious nature of his response and stand in the awe of the fact that I have a child that emerged from MY womb that has some understanding of an essential human truth. People change... that and the word poop is fun to put into nearly any sentence. Yeah, he's got that one down pat.

I guess it's been a while!

Well, for sure I couldn't be a professional blogger! My consistency is not just lacking, it's in the negative. In the past 18 months or so, a bunch has happened. The Harwoods purchased their first home! Yay!










God was definitely good to us in 2010!! Then to top it off, we finally had our baby girl!! After having three, yes THREE, boys, I think we can officially give all credit to God for blessing us with Helena Josephine who was born on October 30, 2010.

She is truly a manifestation of God's grace in my life! The boys are all doing well! Jacob is in 3rd grade, Liam is in 1st and Domenic will be starting Kindergarten in the fall! When did I become a grown up is what I want to know. Can't wait to see what 2011 has to offer!

 

This is us, just a few weeks before Helena changed our world! What an incredible journey this life is! I am so blessed!!